From Relapse to Renaissance

During my the peak of my illness, this blog became an invaluable gift to me. I never intended for this blog to be about me and most certainly not about my sickness but overtime, it transformed into a cathartic platform where I freely expressed my thoughts and feelings during my lows with hopes of helping others while simultaneously helping myself. Which explains why I've been MIA on here.

In the last 6 months, my health and vision were trending upwards. I've been working relentlessly towards remission and have made significant strides in my recovery which re-opened the doors of excitement, laughter and happiness for me. Everything was beautiful again. I was resurrected. But as they say, all good things must come to an end...

I'm going through yet another relapse. Words cannot possibly articulate the frustration, disappointment and anger I'm experiencing. This was the longest period of dormancy during this insanely long two year episode... so long that I sometimes even forgot that I was sick! 

In addition to being an obedient patient and undergoing IVIG every month, I changed my diet. I stopped drinking coffee. My hair is growing back. I consciously avoid stressful situations. I've become more active, social, and self-aware. All contributors to good health that involve a great deal of effort, energy, and dedication. I've been committed to my internal cause and finally started seeing the positive results of all the hard work!

Gosh, I was so naive. I got spoiled and perhaps too comfortable with feeling good, regaining confidence, and seeing well again. I foolishly believed that bad episodes were far behind me and I was finally free of shackles. I assumed that feeling great again was my right. But unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Feeling good and being healthy is a luxury that I have to work extra hard to attain. 

Though I've been through significantly worse, this relapse has been a complete shock to my system; it's hit me harder than any of the previous episodes. All the memories I tried so hard to block are suddenly flooding my mind making me feel like I'm drowning. 

But I must re-learn to combat these strong tides as these probably won't be the last to make an appearance in my life. Yes, I'm sad and angry but I stand by the oath made last year about not letting this disease tarnish or control my spirit. Through these trials and tribulations, I'm constantly learning. And today I learned, that I need to stop being in denial and accept that this is my life. There are going to be ups and downs. These are the cards that were handed to me and it's because I can handle and conquer them with grace. 

I will bounce back and be bouncier than ever when I do. I'm not giving up; I never have and I never will. If the period before this was my resurrection then the phase after this bump will be my renaissance. xx Flower